Do For Love: A Romantic Comedy Screenplay

By Christopher C. Odom

FADE IN:

EXT. BALLY'S TOTAL FITNESS - DAY

An assortment of total fit to total misfit members trod through the doors underneath the haze of a new dawn.

CUT TO:

INT. BALLY'S TOTAL FITNESS - DAY

Meet PETER WRIGHT (25). He's the guy next door, the guy at the corner store, or your next-door neighbor. He's you.

TIGHT ON PETE'S FACE

SWEAT permeates from Pete's forehead and gushes from a soiled HEADBAND. WE SEE the ice-cold steel of a LONG-BARBELL on his chest. He grunts and pushes the barbell with all his might like a breakfast champion.

A PAIR OF HANDS

Helps Pete push the steel to its apex.

A MACHO VOICE (O.S.)

Come on, Pete. Give me ten more.

Pete pushes the steel to its crest.

MACHO VOICE (O.S.)

Halle Berry.

Lowers the bar.

MACHO VOICE (O.S.)

Angelina Jolie.

Pushes the bar.

MACHO VOICE (O.S.)

Halle Berry.

Lowers the bar.

MACHO VOICE

Anglelina Jolie.

Pete pushes and pushes, but he can't push the bar high enough.

MACHO VOICE (O.S.)

Come on!

PETE

I need a break.

A COMFORTING VOICE (O.S.)

You're going to kill him.

A FACE COMES INTO VIEW (THE MACHO VOICE)

Say hello to A.J. (27) -- a card-carrying misogynist and president of "The Man Show" fan club.

A.J.

Pussy.

A.J.'s head disappears. He lets the bar drop onto Pete's chest.

Another head comes into view (The Comforting Voice). It's RENÉ, (23) -- artist extraordinaire, born of a pure Bohemian spirit.

REN…

Why do you put yourself through this, Pete?

René's head disappears. HIS HANDS pull the bar off of Pete's chest.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL that there are NO WEIGHTS on the barbell.

A TOWEL is tossed over Pete's face. He mops up his sweat with it.

PETE

It's Naggie.

RENÉ (O.S.)

What did she do this time?

CUT TO:

INT. PETE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

CLOSE ON TWO PAIRS OF FEET, one masculine, one feminine, protruding from underneath a set of disheveled sheets. The feet bang into each other each with a separate and unequal cadence amidst the CREAKING sound of a bed.

PETE

Yeah, baby, yeah!

Pete's battle cries are married with random SENSUOUS MOANS of a woman in passion.

As the moans and battle cries become more harmonious, the rhythm of the feet becomes one until there are TWO EAR PIERCING SHRIEKS OF ECSTASY.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL

Pete and NAGGIE (26). The poster pin-up for Melrose gone mad, Naggie is the quintessential New Age Girl, but she's a few clowns short of a circus.

Pete tries to cuddle with his mate.

PETE

Hold me.

She violently shoves Pete out of the bed, which sends him tumbling to the floor.

NAGGIE

Don't touch me!  I'm dirty.

Naggie wraps herself in the sheets like a swaddling infant. She storms into the bathroom.

WE HEAR THE SHOWER and SEE HOT STEAM BLOW into the bedroom.

CUT TO:

INT. BALLY'S TOTAL FITNESS - DAY

A.J. chugs a BOTTLE OF WATER.

A.J.

She's crazy!  I told you that girl's not right.

REN…

Maybe she was sexually abused as a little girl?

PETE

I really like Naggie, but sometimes I just don't know.

RENÉ

Do you really think she could be Mrs. Right?

A.J.

Or Mrs. Wrong. Read my lips. The girl needs help.

RENÉ

At least she lets you breathe. Last night Anastasia just wouldn't leave me alone.

CUT TO:

INT. RENé'S HOUSEBOAT - NIGHT

René stands completely nude in front of an enormous canvas. His hands are covered with paint.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BALLY'S TOTAL FITNESS - DAY

A.J. SPITS WATER out of his mouth.

A.J.

Nude!  What the hell are you doing painting in the nude, René?

RENÉ

I find that clothes constrain my creativity, A.J.

CUT TO:

INT. RENÉ'S HOUSEBOAT - NIGHT

René dips his hands into a bucket. He uses his fingertips to meticulously layer the paint onto the canvas.

A FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)

(foreign accent)

I'm ready for you. I can't wait. Come to bed with me, lover.

RENÉ

I told you before you came over here my creativity had peaked. When my creativity peaks, I must paint.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL

ANASTASIA (38). She's hot!  Your classic post super-model type clinging on to her last few years of ultimate sex appeal by dating a younger man.

Anastasia sits up in bed with a sheet carefully covering the sweet parts  (one leg is outstretched behind her head). A single RED ROSE is clenched in her teeth.

Anastasia twirls another sheet like rope and lassos René like a wild pony.

He stumbles knocking the canvas to the floor.

Anastasia saunters out of bed, still embroidered in her sheet, to bridle her prey. She pushes René onto the canvas.

ANASTASIA

If you want to paint, paint this.

The TELEPHONE RINGS three times.

Anastasia lets her sheet slowly float off of her skin.

RENÉ'S FATHER (O.S.)

(on answering machine)

René, pick up the phone. It's me, Dad. I know you're there. Pick up.

Anastasia pours paint all over her body and mounts René.

RENÉ (V.O.)

Two weeks of art, ruined.

CUT TO:

INT. BALLY'S TOTAL FITNESS - DAY

A.J. rolls his eyes.

A.J.

You would rather paint, than have the pudenda. What are you, a fag?

PETE

(chastises)

A.J.

A.J.

You too, Mr. "hold me". Because if you two are, we should just go out into the woods right now and hold each others dicks by the campfire and sing Koom-bi-yah.

RENÉ

I like that song.

A.J.

You guys are a lost cause. Let me tell you how a real man operates. Last night, I was online--

PETE

As usual.

CUT TO:

INT. A.J.'S BACHELOR APARTMENT - NIGHT

A.J. sits up in his bed wearing only a pair of boxers. His back is against the wall. The computer screen is next to the bed and a wireless keyboard is on his lap. A headset is on his head. He fiddles with Microsoft Net Meeting (Video Chat).

A SMOKY mist from BURNING INCENSE fills the air. A classic Prince slow jam sets the tone.

ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN

A PAIR OF HANDS are shown in a window.

A.J.

(into headset)

What's your name?

A CHAT WINDOW pops up on the screen. One by one the letters "R-U-B-Y" appear.

A.J.

(into headset)

Ruby, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

The hands on the screen point the camera at a slender upper body with smooth silken skin. A bikini bra covers the key points. The hands slowly remove the bra.

A.J. reaches one hand into his boxers.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BALLY'S TOTAL FITNESS - DAY

A.J. clears his throat.

A.J.

And then, I mean, I just watched. Ruby lives out here in L.A. I think she's down. I'm going to try and hook up with her.

RENÉ

Be careful.

PETE

It was probably a man.

A.J.

Trust me, it was no man. I know a man when I see one, and what I saw last night was all woman.

CUT TO:

INT. BALLY'S TOTAL FITNESS - LOCKER ROOM - DAY

A.J. and René change into street clothes. Pete slips on a POSTAL CARRIER'S UNIFORM.

A.J.

Are we still on for sushi, today, dudes?

RENÉ

I've got to go down to O.C. to get some more canvases.

PETE

It's a pass for me, too. I'm meeting Naggie at her doctor's office.

A.J.

Doctor's office?  Not the test, again?  You just love abuse, don't you?  I think you're one of those masochists like "Machine" from 8 Millimeter.

RENÉ

Have you considered getting her professional help?

A.J.

She doesn't need a shrink, she needs a straight jacket.

René removes a sweater from a locker and flicks FUR off of it.

A.J. sneezes uncontrollably.

A.J.

Do you have a cat now or something?

RENÉ

Anastasia just got one.

A.J. has difficulty breathing. His EYES TEAR.

A.J.

I'm deathly allergic to cats.

A.J. rummages through his bag for his INHALER. Takes a big puff.

RENÉ

(to René)

I know. That's why she got it.

CUT TO:

INT. BALLY'S TOTAL FITNESS - LOBBY - DAY

Pete, A.J., and René stroll past the front counter toting GYM BAGS.

A.J.

(to René)

Do you think I could borrow just one of them?

RENÉ

Borrow what?

A.J.

One of those guardian angels hovering over your head blessing with you with super hotties like Anastasia.

RENÉ

You can have her. Seriously, I can't get rid of her. Trust me, you'd be doing me a big favor. She's really starting to make me sick.

CUT TO:

EXT. BALLY'S TOTAL FITNESS - DAY

Pete, A.J., and René exit from the lobby.

Anastasia stands on the sidewalk leaning against her YELLOW PORSCHE BOXSTER. She holds a PICNIC BASKET under her arm.

RENÉ

Aw, jeez. What now?

ANASTASIA

I thought I'd surprise you with breakfast and a picnic on the beach.

RENÉ

I'm busy.

ANASTASIA

Excuse me. Where are my manners? 

(ignores A.J.)

Good morning, Peter.

Anastasia kisses Pete on the cheek.

PETE

How's business been?

ANASTASIA

I just closed a deal to cater the Academy Awards Official After Party.

A.J. affectionately stands behind Pete, arms wide open, puckering up for his hug and kiss from Anastasia.

Anastasia ignores A.J. And moves right along back to René.

RENÉ

The answer is still no. I'm busy.

A.J.

(interrupts)

What about my hug and kiss?

Anastasia extends one of her hands towards A.J. from a distance.

ANASTASIA

Heel.

René hops onto his CHOPPER. Speeds away. Anastasia hops into her Porsche, and pursues close behind.

CUT TO:

EXT. MEDICAL CENTER - LATER THAT DAY

A street urchin peddles BABY TOYS on the sidewalk.

CUT TO:

INT. GYNECOLOGIST'S OFFICE - DAY

A sign reads: "OBGYN." 

Pete slumps over on a couch asleep with SPITTLE forming the corner of his mouth.

THEN:

SMACK

As the palm of Naggie's hand makes contact with Pete's cheek.

NAGGIE

She doesn't know what she's talking about. I know my body.

Pete rises to the occasion attempting to console her.

PETE

It's OK. Everything will be all right.

Naggie shoves Pete back down onto the couch. Flees from the office.

CUT TO:

INT. VINTAGE JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE - DAY

Pete quietly drives while Naggie studies an ASTROLOGY STAR CHART.

NAGGIE

I don't understand. I had all the signs.

Naggie pulls a deck of TAROT CARDS from her purse.

NAGGIE

My psychic, palm reader, and spiritualist all agreed on the same thing.

Naggie grabs a handful of ORBS from her purse.

NAGGIE

Even the stones and the stars told me I was pregnant.

PETE

Yes, I know.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE WRIGHT HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY

Pete and Naggie unwind at his family's house for the weekend barbecue. (THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS PETER PLAYS ALL OF THE CHARACTERS IN HIS FAMILY.)  Everyone is spread out across the yard and patio in a seemingly quaint atmosphere. All, except for Pete and Naggie, nurse 12-ounce TUMBLERS FULL OF GIN. Begin the circus.

DADDY WRIGHT (45), pours CHARCOAL into an OIL DRUM GRILL

MOMMA WRIGHT (O.S.)

Damn you, Andrew. You tracked mud all over my kitchen floor.

MOMMA WRIGHT (42), storms through a sliding glass door onto the patio, past Naggie, then Pete, while waving a FRYING PAN.

DADDY WRIGHT

Don't holler at me, woman. I will stick your head in this grill and light it.

Pete is a little embarrassed.

MOMMA WRIGHT

Bring it on, I'm ready for you.

UNCLE WRIGHT (55), sits in a lawn chair next to Naggie. She's trapped. Naggie nibbles on a bowl of dry lettuce. Discomfort overtakes her face. Uncle Wright nurses his 12-ounce TUMBLER FULL OF GIN straight-up. He's hammered.

UNCLE WRIGHT

The corporation is the modern day plantation.

(stutters)

And, the c.p., the desktop p.c.p., has replaced the cotton gin.

Gin. A good idea. Everyone takes a sip from their TUMBLERS.

UNCLE WRIGHT

And even when we see the light, some of us are just like that psycho midget who wanted to be plugged back into The Matrix.

And we ask the C.E.O.s to "make me a slave again."  And that is why I refuse to work

(beat)

More than 40 hours a week.

Pete sits with GRAND POP WRIGHT (92), beneath a round picnic table with a flowery umbrella sprouting from the center. He writes on a SMALL PIECE OF PAPER while trying his best to tune out Grand Pop.

GRANNY WRIGHT (82), sits nearby on a chaise lounge crocheting an afghan.

GRAND POP WRIGHT

(to Pete)

When I was in the Corps, I was assigned to guard the President. That's why even today I still have a G.S. 9.9 security clearance.

I could just walk right through the pentagon today, if I wanted to, and nobody would ask me any questions.

Pete stops scribbling on his piece of paper.

PETE

Grand Pop, there is no G.S. 9.9 security clearance.

GRAND POP WRIGHT

There was back then, but they retired it.

GRANNY WRIGHT

Fido--

GRAND POP WRIGHT

Yes, Hun.

GRANNY WRIGHT

You're a heathen liar. You weren't in the Corps. You were Merchant Marine.

GRAND POP WRIGHT

That's still a Marine, hun.

Momma Wright grabs Pete by the shoulder.

MOMMA WRIGHT

Go get Naggie before Dad lights the grill. If Uncle Mac breathes on her the poor thing might burst into flames.

Pete rescues Naggie.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE WRIGHT HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - DAY

Pete and Naggie sit close to each other on a SWING FOR TWO. Pete removes the PIECE OF PAPER that he has been writing on. Reads from it.

PETE

Don't take this the wrong way. I'm only telling you this because I care so much for you.

Naggie snatches the piece of paper.

NAGGIE

(snaps)

What?

PETE

About this whole baby thing. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

This is the thirteenth time you've claimed that you were pregnant and you weren't. I think we should consider getting professional help.

NAGGIE

(hysterical)

We shouldn't do anything. How can you say this to me?  A woman knows her body. Everyone thinks I'm crazy. I'm not crazy.

PETE

Naggie, wait--

NAGGIE

I can't take anymore of this, either. We're finished. I don't need my own boyfriend saying that I'm crazy.

I've got the rest of the world to do that for me. Screw you, screw your family, and screw your friends. Hell, screw everybody!

Naggie runs away from the house bawling like a child.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE WRIGHT HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY

Pete steps onto the patio, solemn, slow feet, sunken head.

MOMMA WRIGHT

Where's Naggie, sugar?

PETE

She broke up with me.

DADDY WRIGHT

Good for you. I never liked that crazy witch.

MOMMA WRIGHT

Andrew, shame on you. The witch can't help it if she's crazy - she's Wiccan.

UNCLE WRIGHT

(stammers)

The Matrix has messed with her mind.

GRANNY WRIGHT

She don't eat meat. I don't trust anybody who doesn't eat meat.

Pete holds his fingertips to his temples.

PETE

I'm feeling faint. I'm going to go home and lie down.

Pete walks around the side of the house.

GRANNY WRIGHT (O.S.)

No meat.

GRAND POP (O.S.)

I rode with the Jesse James gang.

GRANNY WRIGHT (O.S.)

Fido, hush them lies. You can't even ride a bike.

GRAND POP WRIGHT (O.S.)

I drove the wagon, Hun.

CUT TO:

EXT. NAGGIE'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Pete punches a code into an INTERCOM SYSTEM. The PHONE RINGS THREE TIMES. A single RED ROSE is in his left hand.

NAGGIE (O.S.)

(answering machine)

I'm meditating somewhere right now. Accept the universe and I'll feel your need for me in my spirit. Pete if this is you, fuck off!

BEEP.

PETE

Come on, Naggie. I know you're there. Pick up the phone. I'm sorry.

The INTERCOM SHUTS OFF.

Pete steps back onto the sidewalk. He looks up at NAGGIE'S WINDOW. Grabs a few STONES from the sidewalk. Tosses them at Naggie's window.

CUT TO:

INT. NAGGIE'S APARTMENT - DAY

A FEMININE HAND grabs a TELEPHONE.

FINGERS mash "9-1-1."

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE CAR - DAY

CINDY MANN (23), commanding in an innocent kind of way, reads a paperback copy of THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY, while her partner, MCCLOSKY (33), a real porker, SLURPS what appears to be "baby moosh" from a MAN-SIZED BABY BOTTLE.

Cindy pokes her nose up from the book.

CINDY

Ewww. What is that?

MCCLOSKY

That's my late afternoon meal. I'm tired of seeing guys on the job portrayed as overweight and out of shape in the movies.

CINDY

You are overweight and out of shape.

MCCLOSKY

That's why I've entered a twelve-week body building contest/diet. I workout six days a week and eat six times a day.

CINDY

You seem to have mastered the eating part.

Cindy resumes reading.

POLICE DISPATCH (O.S.)

(on radio)

Car 14, what's your 10-20?  We have a 10-33 on 939 6th Street. A possible stalking situation.

MCCLOSKY

(can't remember code)

Dispatch we're uh--

Cindy continues to read her book.

CINDY

17.

MCCLOSKY

17 on that stalking call. Our, um--

CINDY

20.

MCCLOSKY

20 is 5th Avenue and 1st Street. And our uh--

CINDY

26.

MCCLOSKY

26 is, is, is...

McClosky POPS Cindy on the shoulder. Cindy looks up from her book and snatches the microphone from McClosky.

CINDY

2 minutes.

Pages 1 - 17

Christopher C. Odom is an Award-Winning Writer, Director, Producer and Author who earned his Master of Fine Arts in Screenwriting from the University of California, Los Angeles. An Associate Member of the Writers Guild of America, west Independent Writer’s Caucus, Christopher has won numerous screenwriting and filmmaking awards. His work has been nationally televised and screened in cities worldwide, including Tel Aviv, Berlin and Cannes.

About The Author